Thursday, August 18, 2011

Jealousy

I'm sure that many of my friends with only typical children wonder if it is difficult for me to be around them sometimes.  If watching their kids (especially the ones who are similar in age or younger than Anabelle) reach milestones is too hard for me to see.  The truth is, not really.  In the beginning, it was.  When I still had not come to grips with Anabelle's disability, when I still had no idea what to expect from her, or how far she was going to be able to go, it was.  I even remember sending out a mass message apologizing to friends with new babies for not being as responsive to new photos of their babies as they may have previously expected from me, but I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened to MY baby.

I really don't struggle with my typical little friends anymore.  What is strange is that I now find myself jealous of other special needs kids who can do more than Anabelle.  It's like, "Okay, I know she's disabled, but does she really have to be THAT disabled?", or, "Look at (so-and-so), he has the same diagnosis as Anabelle, and he's playing with toys!"  I threw out the typical milestones, and found myself instead judging her against the milestones reached by her SN friends, and then getting frustrated when she couldn't do as much!  How sick is that???  I'm jealous of the kids who "only" have microcephaly, because they typically are higher functioning than the lissencephaly kids (Anabelle, in the overachieving way that I should expect from my child, has to have BOTH conditions).  I'm jealous of the liss kids who can walk and/or talk, even though I know that their parents will have to endure the additional heartbreak of watching their kids lose those skills over time due to seizures that wreck their bodies.  I'm jealous of any mother whose child has ever been able to say "Mama" or give her a hug or kiss.

So while I am legitimately excited for my SN friends when their child displays a new skill or reaches a goal in therapy, a part of me still goes, "Why can't that be Anabelle?"  Especially when lately, it seems so much of what we have been doing has been dealing with more and more complications and setbacks, when, at 15 months, she should still be moving forward.


But, I'm trying to not focus on any of that.  In the long run, I'm not sure how much it is going to matter to Anabelle how many skills she is able to gain, as long as we can keep her happy and healthy.  The only days I really worry are the ones when I can't make her smile.  Then I know she is "off".  As long as she keeps the smiles coming, I think we'll be okay

The glowworm her sister gave her the day she came home from the NICU is still a great favorite!

It is SOOOO funny that Mommy has been trying to get me to nap for 2 hours now, and all I want to do is play!

Haha, Sissy made us both wear these ridiculous outfits she picked out!

Sissy's a crack-up!

3 comments:

  1. I feel for you, I really really do!! Layla's my ownly and you know she's SN. I do get jealous time to time with my "typical" friends children. But the worst is when I get jealous of the SN kids abilities. I feel so disturbed by this! It's a weird feeling. Annabelle is SO beautiful and lovely and has an amazing disposition. If you believe in reincarnation or Heaven or anything like that I just KNOW she'll be a supermodel/genius/save the whales/drive an awesome suped-up sports car/ kind of woman.

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  2. Anabelle experiences her world in ways we cannot even begin to understand, but she offers her smile to help us along. While we want so much for her, only time will tell where Life brings her. In the meantime, we forgive ourselves those times when we compare her to anyone else, typical or SN. Parents always do that with their kids...but then she smiles and she brings us back to the moment...and in that moment her smile is beyond comparison.

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